HE DIED WITH THE REMOTE IN HIS HAND
(Chorus)
He died with the remote in his hand
Wedded forever to t.v. land
So unexpected and so unplanned
He died with the remote in his hand
Twenty years he mouldered in his easy chair
No-one to mourn him; no-one to care
Whilst out in the kitchen a frying pan
Burnt his last meal of fried eggs and ham
As he … (chorus)
By and by, the gas went dry
All the smoke disappeared in the sky
And none of the neighbours ever wondered why
They never again saw the old guy
But he had … (chorus)
His rent fell into awful arrears
A tramp broke in and drank his beers
His elderly van was repossessed
And still the neighbours never guessed
That he’d died … (chorus)
Dogs tipped over his rubbish can
The tax man sent a final demand
The gutters in winter ran waterfalls
And rising damp covered his walls
As he died … (chorus)
Mail overflowed from his old mailbox
His windows were smashed by well hurled rocks
His power disconnected by a government van
Which drove off quickly, not telling the man
Who’d died … (chorus)
The Council ordered his house pulled down
His block of land was reclaimed by the Crown
A letter was sent, there was no reply
And nobody ever thought to ask why
But he’d died … (chorus)
And in the rubble they found the maggoty chair
Where the man had decayed for twenty year
And no one thought it the least bit queer
Not one of them shed a single tear
For the man who’d died … (chorus).
THE SUN MOTEL
(yes, it is based on a real life experience!)
(Chorus)
I took my wife to a whorehouse, cathouse
By the hour house, what a louse!
But I swear I didn’t know it at the time
I was blind; I must’ve been blind.
Well, we left Nawlins in the morning light
Drove all day, reached Memphis that night
Feeling kinda sleepy, feeling kinda tired
As we cruised on down the Elvis Boulevarde
Pulled into a motel, first one we saw
I parked the car then knocked on the door
And a Pakistani fellow said, “Room for an hour?”
I said, “Whoa, that don’t even give us time for a shower!”
I said, “Sir, we want it for the whole damn night.”
And he shook his head as though something weren’t right
He gave me the key saying, “Maybe you look
And if you like it, then you can book.”
So I took a peek, said it’d have to do
And he signed us in without further ado
I unpacked the car and said, “Dear, you know what?
We’re the only ones in the parking lot!”
She’s looking round the room and her face is all red
She says, “I never did see such a king-sized bed
And none of them mirrors taking up the wall
Are any good for someone who’s tall”
And you know, I’d took my wife to a whorehouse house, cat house… (chorus)
“There’s no closet to hang my clothes,” she said
And there ain't no Gideons in the drawer by the bed,
There’s no spare quilt nor blanket too
If’n we get cold, what we supposed to do?”
And she looked in the bathroom and said, “Honey, that’s rude,
The way them taps is shaped is kinda crude”
She said,” I never seen a place like this before”
And that was when I knew for sure
I’d taken my wife to a whorehouse, cathouse…(chorus)
And by midnight, every car lot was taken
And by one a.m. all the walls was shakin’
And we neither of us got much sleep that night
Till all the cars left just before daylight
Yup, I took my wife to a whorehouse, cathouse…(chorus)
(Spoken)
Oh, did she give me hell!
"Ain’t I worth more dan dat?
What sort of man are you?
Take yo’ wife to a whorehouse
I never heard of such a thing
Wait till I tell yo’ mother
She shore gonna be impressed wid her son!
Whorehouse, indeed, humphh!"
