Songs without music

HE DIED WITH THE REMOTE IN HIS HAND

(Chorus)

He died with the remote in his hand

Wedded forever to t.v. land

So unexpected and so unplanned

He died with the remote in his hand

Twenty years he mouldered in his easy chair

No-one to mourn him; no-one to care

Whilst out in the kitchen a frying pan

Burnt his last meal of fried eggs and ham

As he … (chorus)

By and by, the gas went dry

All the smoke disappeared in the sky

And none of the neighbours ever wondered why

They never again saw the old guy

But he had … (chorus)

His rent fell into awful arrears

A tramp broke in and drank his beers

His elderly van was repossessed

And still the neighbours never guessed

That he’d died … (chorus)

Dogs tipped over his rubbish can

The tax man sent a final demand

The gutters in winter ran waterfalls

And rising damp covered his walls

As he died … (chorus)

Mail overflowed from his old mailbox

His windows were smashed by well hurled rocks

His power disconnected by a government van

Which drove off quickly, not telling the man

Who’d died … (chorus)

The Council ordered his house pulled down

His block of land was reclaimed by the Crown

A letter was sent, there was no reply

And nobody ever thought to ask why

But he’d died … (chorus)

And in the rubble they found the maggoty chair

Where the man had decayed for twenty year

And no one thought it the least bit queer

Not one of them shed a single tear

For the man who’d died … (chorus).

THE SUN MOTEL

(yes, it is based on a real life experience!)

(Chorus)

I took my wife to a whorehouse, cathouse

By the hour house, what a louse!

But I swear I didn’t know it at the time

I was blind; I must’ve been blind.

Well, we left Nawlins in the morning light

Drove all day, reached Memphis that night

Feeling kinda sleepy, feeling kinda tired

As we cruised on down the Elvis Boulevarde

Pulled into a motel, first one we saw

I parked the car then knocked on the door

And a Pakistani fellow said, “Room for an hour?”

I said, “Whoa, that don’t even give us time for a shower!”

I said, “Sir, we want it for the whole damn night.”

And he shook his head as though something weren’t right

He gave me the key saying, “Maybe you look

And if you like it, then you can book.”

So I took a peek, said it’d have to do

And he signed us in without further ado

I unpacked the car and said, “Dear, you know what?

We’re the only ones in the parking lot!”

She’s looking round the room and her face is all red

She says, “I never did see such a king-sized bed

And none of them mirrors taking up the wall

Are any good for someone who’s tall”

And you know, I’d took my wife to a whorehouse house, cat house… (chorus)

“There’s no closet to hang my clothes,” she said

And there ain't no Gideons in the drawer by the bed,

There’s no spare quilt nor blanket too

If’n we get cold, what we supposed to do?”

And she looked in the bathroom and said, “Honey, that’s rude,

The way them taps is shaped is kinda crude”

She said,” I never seen a place like this before”

And that was when I knew for sure

I’d taken my wife to a whorehouse, cathouse…(chorus)

And by midnight, every car lot was taken

And by one a.m. all the walls was shakin’

And we neither of us got much sleep that night

Till all the cars left just before daylight

Yup, I took my wife to a whorehouse, cathouse…(chorus)

(Spoken)

Oh, did she give me hell!

"Ain’t I worth more dan dat?

What sort of man are you?

Take yo’ wife to a whorehouse

I never heard of such a thing

Wait till I tell yo’ mother

She shore gonna be impressed wid her son!

Whorehouse, indeed, humphh!"